different cities

different states

different classrooms everyday

different people

different places

different near familiar spaces 

different homes

different halls

different memories in all

different faces

different friends

different stories without ends


I graduate high school in eight days. In a month I won’t see my friends everyday and won’t walk down the halls of my second home anymore. In 3 months we’ll all be in different states, walking down new halls and into new classrooms, and only talk to each other when we remember to text or facetime. We become things to look back on, we turn into memories. We’ll all have new friends, new classes, and a new campus. Everything we have in common with our high school friends will end. 

All I want to do is tell all my friends how much they matter to me. How much they have impacted my life, and how much I cherish their friendship. My words don’t seem like enough, nothing in my vocabulary accurately conveys how much I love them. It hurts sometimes, not being able to tell them just how much they mean to me. Thinking of leaving them makes me cry and it’s such a strange mix of emotions. Extreme sadness and intense longing, mixed up into one crippling abyss of feelings. I either feel it all and let it tear apart my heart, or I feel empty. I want to hug them all and never let go, never let go of how much they mean to me. 

A Revelation

I just realized that theatre is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.

I knew I loved it and I knew it was my passion, but it didn’t look like a practical career choice. I was so caught up in thinking that my major needed to be acceptable for the “real world” that I almost didn’t realize that theatre is truly my home. Being Assistant Stage Manager for my high school production of Sweet Charity is one of the most fulfilling experiences I’ve ever had. I’ve learned so much about the planning that goes into technical theatre, the process of auditioning and casting, and how to be a proper leader when managing the stage. This is my fifth production with my high school and joining theatre was easily the best decision I made in high school. If I hadn’t, I honestly don’t know where I’d be. I’d probably feel very unfulfilled and lack a good group of friends. 

The closing of this musical parallels the ending of my high school career. Saying goodbye to a family, packing up and leaving, and exiting the stage I’ve grown so accustomed to. 

Pursuing theatre has definitely been a thought in my mind recently. Then tonight, as I sat at my table doing homework, I looked over at my bite light and mic tape and realized something; after next week, I would never put those on again if I went down the path I had planned. I would never do another quick change, never mic another cast member, and never run another set piece. I’ll admit it, I cried. A lot. 

Without theatre, I’m brought back to that little girl who thought she’d never find anything she was good at, and never find a place where she fit in. I’m not about to give up on something that I love, just because the world doesn’t think it’s practical. 

A Letter (C)

I’m going to start by saying that you are incredibly kind. Kind to a point I actually didn’t think was possible. You made me feel welcome when I was very scared to enter this new environment. I took a liking to you, and I think you took a liking to me too. 

Almost immediately, we created something that was just between us. A tradition, one that we still do today. I spent an hour last night learning the signs so I can start teaching you. And just because it was enjoyable and I felt compelled, I learned how to sign the first verse of Big Spender. I can’t wait to start teaching you. 

I know you pretty well as a whole. I know exactly what you need when you get offstage, without you having to tell me. You trust me with your boy troubles and ask what I think about the guys you have your eye on. You know me pretty well, mimicking how I stand at the props table and listening whenever I have a problem. 

Soon after I met you, we had a conversation about nicknames and you mentioned how people can be pretty creative with yours. But you also said that other people will reuse those creative nicknames. I don’t actually know when this started and I don’t even know if we can technically call it a nickname, but I do call you something. It’s your name, the “ss” replaced with a “th” and said in a very specific tone with very specific inflections. It sounds very distinct and you always know it’s me.

You made me a better techie. I started carrying bobby pins with me backstage because of your constant need for them. I zip your dresses, attach your mic, pin your hair with those bobby pins, and so much more. I got half my experience just being around you backstage. 

You’ve been there with me since the beginning of this theatre journey. Not having these little traditions with you next year is going to be heartbreaking, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I hope we stay in touch, I really do, because you mean so much to me. 

Thank you for being there with me every step of the way, the last two years wouldn’t have been nearly as enjoyable without you. 

Don’t ever forget me, and please don’t ever forget our traditions.

Love Always, MM

In Between

I haven’t had much motivation to write anything on this blog lately. I’m either caught up in other long term writing projects which I can’t talk about yet, or I’m just exhausted. Senioritis has seeped deep into my being and I just don’t feel like doing much anymore. My writing energy will hopefully be renewed in the next few weeks. Some exciting things are happening and I want to be motivated to write about them.

My world is kind of at an in between right now. I’m still a senior in high school, but I already have my freshman class schedule for college. I am worried about my final grades for this year, but I’ve also been invited to be part of the National Society for High School Scholars for my time and effort these last four years. Today I went to high school but tomorrow I’m visiting my college campus.

It’s an odd mixture of firsts and lasts. First acceptance letter, last football game. First college class schedule, last family dance. First visit to campus after being accepted, last Valentine’s spirit day. Right now the lasts far outnumber the firsts, but I’m excited and scared for when the firsts start outnumbering the lasts. 

It’s weird having one foot out the door like this. Thinking about the day when my classmates and I walk away from each other, some never seeing each other again. I look at the juniors, the sophomores, the freshman, and I imagine what life is like without those faces passing by each day. Without the comfort that comes with a close knit community. Everyone will be so far away from each other, and I don’t want them to fade into a distant memory. I want to stay in touch with every single one of my friends but, the fact is, that won’t happen. Some people, yes, I’ll try my best to stay connected, but others will end up being people I randomly run into when everyone is home for the holidays. Everyone’s told me that second semester of senior year is over before you know it, but I really hope I’m able to stop and enjoy it. I hope my “in between” feeling doesn’t hinder my ability to savor these last few moments of high school. 

My Life In Theatre

As the New Year becomes comfortable and the number of times we correctly write the date increases, I get closer to yet another production. I would apologize for how often I write about theatre, but it’s my passion and I could talk about it for hours so I’m just going to keep on writing.

In the spring of 2015, my sophomore year of high school, I became a stagehand for the musical. I had never done anything relating to high school theatre before that and I really had no idea what I was doing. But a love of the theatre world, coupled with some intense stage fright, led me to being a stagehand. It was amazing, I bonded with the cast and crew so well, and I immediately knew that this is what I wanted. My observant eye quickly learned the quirks of each cast member and what I could do to make things easier for them. The following fall, due to a series of odd circumstances, I was cast in the school play. It was a very small role and a lot of it was moving around scenery but hey, I was used to that.

Then came spring of 2016.

I had proven myself as a valuable asset to my school’s theatre tech crew, and that hadn’t gone unnoticed. I was given more responsibility, a lot more actually. I became props master. With a long props list and one fairly fast quick change, I had a few moments of, “Can I do this? Is this too much for me?” But I stuck with it and gave it my all. The result was a well-oiled machine.

At this point, the regular theatre kids knew me pretty well. After all, I had already done three shows with most of them. I also knew them very well. As I said, I’m pretty observant so I noticed what little things I could do to make things easier for everyone. Because of that, they like to say that I’m kind of an “everything”. What that means is that I do things that dip into every area of the backstage world. I tape mics, I run sets, I track props, I track people, I provide water, I keep bobby pins on me at all times, I zip zippers, I provide personal moral support for anyone who is nervous (called the pre show pep talk, I have little talks with specific people who tend to get nervous), I basically do whatever they need me to do (whether or not they ask me directly) My cast and I went into summer vacation assuming that come fall, I’d be promoted to Assistant Stage Manager (ASM, the job I’d always wanted). Well one exboyfriend later, and that job was taken before I could even ask. So I was props master once again, which was 100% okay because I love that job with all my being. But I was also still an “everything”. With that, came a lot of comments from my cast like “For all intents and purposes, you’re the ASM” and “You already do everything, and he is just kinda there”. I didn’t quite believe them until he left for Hawaii with two shows left, and I realized that things were the exact same with him there and without him there. Well my director and technical director noticed that.

Starting February 7th, I am Assistant Stage Manager for our spring musical. I started as a stagehand and I’m proud to say I worked my way up in the theatre world. Now don’t let the word “assistant” trick you into thinking I’m not the highest I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be stage manager because they sit up in the booth. I wanted to be down, on the ground, being active with the people I love, and doing what I love to do. When the ending of our latest fall play came around, my good friend perfectly summed up what being a theatre family means:

“Physics is the study of the movement of bodies and space and it can unlock the mysteries of the universe but it cannot answer the essential question of what is our purpose here and to me the purpose of life is to love, and to love is what you have shown me, I didn’t think that I would make new friends here and I feel like I have a family of my own and I love you thank you”
– AA, 11/13/16, post 2nd show

i am sad. (sad is ok).

December 2nd, 2016 at 4:03am:

I am sad. I want to write but I can’t. It’s too much feeling. The weight is too heavy. It feels like my heart is being pulled down. It is a sinking feeling. I don’t know why I feel like this. The event “wasn’t a big deal”. I have experienced rejection before. I have experienced disappointment before. I didn’t get cast in the One Acts. I don’t know why my feelings make this loss so hurtful to my mental state, but I feel very sad. I have no sunshine. I found out while I was driving, when I checked my phone at a stoplight. I proceeded to roll my windows down, blast rock music, and scream the lyrics at the top of my lungs. That seemed to help a little. But when I got home, I had to complete a final draft of an essay and submit it at 11:59pm. I was one minute late. I broke down in tears, which seemed odd because it is just an essay and it is one measly minute. I looked at schoology, I saw the cast lists, and I figured out why I was crying. I didn’t make it. I texted my two friends, who both submitted their essays one minute late as well. One of them had been cast in a One Act. I congratulated him and promised to bring him flowers on opening night. I was sad. I was jealous. I was angry. Not at him, but at the world. I felt very much like an angsty, mildly emo teenager. I kept looking at the cast lists. I couldn’t stop. It was like I thought they would change but they didn’t of course. I ranted to my other friend. Mostly about my sadness, but also how I feel about myself now. My self-esteem is shot. But when isn’t it? 2:00am. I got into bed. I texted her one final paragraph and she promised to reply in the morning. She said goodnight. I said goodnight. I played Scrabble on my iPad, trying to numb my mind. I stopped at 3:00am. I looked at the cast lists again. I read all of the scripts. I only liked one of them. It was sad. That’s probably why I liked it. Also I like dogs. It has a dog in it. A dog named Fish, that’s pretty cool. I just finished reading them. Now I’m writing this. I don’t think I’ll sleep. It’s now 4:30am. My alarm goes off in an hour and a half. I don’t think I’ll sleep. I am feeling a lot right now. I am too sad to sleep. I am sad.

19 Words

(I wrote something else in response, but decided against posting it. Instead, on January 3rd, 2017, I will give you a password and you can read it. Why that day? No reason really, I guess because I turn 18 that year? Maybe that’s why? I’m not really sure.)

A picture. 

Hung in my room, right above my theatre award, the lanyard from my summer job, my two maps of Disneyland & California Adventure, and my Thomas Kinkade calendar. The words are falling off and I’ve debated taking it down since June. I haven’t yet.

You used to call me sunshine, not sure if you still do. We used to sit by the box office of the theatre and eat lunch. I used to stand in the wings, watching you perform onstage. We used to do a lot, now we do nothing.

I tried to give you all the sunshine you needed in order to be happy, but in the process I gave you all of my sunshine too. My heart and soul went into you and you never knew why (at least I don’t think you did…well I guess you’ll find out in January). But I needed some of my sunshine back because my own happiness was fading, and so I took it. And I sort of recovered, I replenished my sunshine supply over the course of summer vacation. I didn’t see you, I might’ve texted you once or twice (but nothing substantial), and I moved on. I got a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend. I saw a show and afterwards, said 19 words to someone I knew (but he didn’t know me), and those 19 words kickstarted the closest friendship I have right now.

It also took 19 words to drift away from you. They were powerful words, but 19 nonetheless. You’re wonderful, and you’ll always have a place in my heart, but I must be going.

This will be my last post directly to you because there are other post-worthy things and people in my life right now. They are pretty marvelous and I could write countless posts about them. (I actually might so I probably need to create a cutoff point. Say 7 posts each maybe?)

And with that I bid you adieu, Small Fry, until someday.

Writing For Me

Recently, I’ve stumbled upon some new people. 

Okay not so much ‘stumbled’ but I’ve made new friends. And some of those friends I came to trust rather quickly, one person in particular. And a side thought (even though it shouldn’t be a side thought) is, “Hey I can disclose this blog to someone new”. That’s scary, really scary actually because yes it will affect them, but it also affects the way I write.

I didn’t think that would happen, but it does.

Awhile back I wrote a post called A Leap Of Faith In Being Myself, where I talk about telling new people about this blog and disclosing this part of my life with them. I talk about how I will continue to write how I want and about topics that I want to write about. How I won’t let that newfound audience affect my writing style.

I failed a little. Okay, I failed a lot.

First it was a girl, whose opinion I valued too highly, and I wrote differently. Most of my posts were written with the knowledge that she would read them, so I slightly changed my writing style to impress her. Then I took a step away from my friendship with this girl, as described in Your Happiness, for my sanity and well being. (Even now, I’m very conscious that she is going to read this). Now it is this person, a new friend that I clicked with instantly and he has changed my perspectives of the world. He has opened my mind and that’s pretty cool and different. With him, I’m not afraid to write but there are certain things that I can’t write about because it’s supposed to be a surprise for him. And now another girl, who is pretty new to my life and almost accidentally heard me speak from my mountain. All of these people I have slightly changed my writing for, and what now? I can’t go back and change it because that’s against my intentions for this page.

This is more a stream of consciousness that I’m putting into words but my new friend, the perspective changer, taught me the value of writing down my thoughts. I usually do it pen to paper but then I remembered I have a platform for this exact thing. 

This doesn’t mean I’m changing the setup of my posts, it just means that there will be more me in them. I want to go back to writing like I speak instead of using a heightened vocabulary in order to exude eloquence.

They won’t be different, they’ll just be a little bit more me. 

Hello Again


I know it’s been awhile but my life has changed pretty significantly. Well, it’s significant in my eyes. I am now coming to the end of a part of my life, a part that feels safe and normal. I’m going to jump into something scary and new and very different. I’m doing a lot of things for the last time and that fact makes my stomach flip and my heart ache for more time. My last homecoming, my last high school summer, my last chance to make as many high school memories as I can.

Tonight, I received my acceptance letter to attend the University of Nevada, Reno. I am going to major in English with an emphasis in Secondary Education, and I’m going to minor in Theatre.

In 210 days, I’m going to graduate. 

In 301 days, I’m going to move into my dorm room. 

In 305 days, I’m going to begin my college classes. 

In 365 days, I’m going to be sitting on my bed, in my dorm, with my roommate(s?), 64 days into a new chapter of my life.

And honestly? Aside from leaving my actual family, the part of going away to school that tugs at my heart the most is leaving my theatre family. The people that I have spent so much time with and made so many amazing memories with. With the shows we have done, we have entered different worlds together. From a rookie in an office building in the 60’s, to a red planet with a crashed spaceship, to a house party gone awry in the 20’s, to the house of a family of actors in the 20’s. Along the way, we became a family. We know about each other’s love lives, crazy antics, hard classes, and accomplishments. Spending so much time together, we know a lot about each other. What someone’s footsteps sound like, how they handle stress, and what their home life is like. 

I could go on about theatre for hours so I’ll get back to the point.

I’m leaving. I’m leaving my family, my friends, my cast, my school, my home, and my city. That scares me, makes me excited, and makes me sad all at the same time. 

I have no idea what this new chapter is going to be like, but I’ll let you know when I get there.