19 Words

(I wrote something else in response, but decided against posting it. Instead, on January 3rd, 2017, I will give you a password and you can read it. Why that day? No reason really, I guess because I turn 18 that year? Maybe that’s why? I’m not really sure.)

A picture. 

Hung in my room, right above my theatre award, the lanyard from my summer job, my two maps of Disneyland & California Adventure, and my Thomas Kinkade calendar. The words are falling off and I’ve debated taking it down since June. I haven’t yet.

You used to call me sunshine, not sure if you still do. We used to sit by the box office of the theatre and eat lunch. I used to stand in the wings, watching you perform onstage. We used to do a lot, now we do nothing.

I tried to give you all the sunshine you needed in order to be happy, but in the process I gave you all of my sunshine too. My heart and soul went into you and you never knew why (at least I don’t think you did…well I guess you’ll find out in January). But I needed some of my sunshine back because my own happiness was fading, and so I took it. And I sort of recovered, I replenished my sunshine supply over the course of summer vacation. I didn’t see you, I might’ve texted you once or twice (but nothing substantial), and I moved on. I got a boyfriend, lost a boyfriend. I saw a show and afterwards, said 19 words to someone I knew (but he didn’t know me), and those 19 words kickstarted the closest friendship I have right now.

It also took 19 words to drift away from you. They were powerful words, but 19 nonetheless. You’re wonderful, and you’ll always have a place in my heart, but I must be going.

This will be my last post directly to you because there are other post-worthy things and people in my life right now. They are pretty marvelous and I could write countless posts about them. (I actually might so I probably need to create a cutoff point. Say 7 posts each maybe?)

And with that I bid you adieu, Small Fry, until someday.

Writing For Me

Recently, I’ve stumbled upon some new people. 

Okay not so much ‘stumbled’ but I’ve made new friends. And some of those friends I came to trust rather quickly, one person in particular. And a side thought (even though it shouldn’t be a side thought) is, “Hey I can disclose this blog to someone new”. That’s scary, really scary actually because yes it will affect them, but it also affects the way I write.

I didn’t think that would happen, but it does.

Awhile back I wrote a post called A Leap Of Faith In Being Myself, where I talk about telling new people about this blog and disclosing this part of my life with them. I talk about how I will continue to write how I want and about topics that I want to write about. How I won’t let that newfound audience affect my writing style.

I failed a little. Okay, I failed a lot.

First it was a girl, whose opinion I valued too highly, and I wrote differently. Most of my posts were written with the knowledge that she would read them, so I slightly changed my writing style to impress her. Then I took a step away from my friendship with this girl, as described in Your Happiness, for my sanity and well being. (Even now, I’m very conscious that she is going to read this). Now it is this person, a new friend that I clicked with instantly and he has changed my perspectives of the world. He has opened my mind and that’s pretty cool and different. With him, I’m not afraid to write but there are certain things that I can’t write about because it’s supposed to be a surprise for him. And now another girl, who is pretty new to my life and almost accidentally heard me speak from my mountain. All of these people I have slightly changed my writing for, and what now? I can’t go back and change it because that’s against my intentions for this page.

This is more a stream of consciousness that I’m putting into words but my new friend, the perspective changer, taught me the value of writing down my thoughts. I usually do it pen to paper but then I remembered I have a platform for this exact thing. 

This doesn’t mean I’m changing the setup of my posts, it just means that there will be more me in them. I want to go back to writing like I speak instead of using a heightened vocabulary in order to exude eloquence.

They won’t be different, they’ll just be a little bit more me.